ok back...

Haha I paused for a few days hun??? Back to the birth story.
Finally my Nurse midwife checked me again & I was 4cm. I let her break my water as I got all my antibiotics. I was 5cm when she got done breaking my water. I had to go to the bathroom so I decided to pee before I couldn't get up. I went to the bathroom & had a few contractions on the toilet. The Nurse came by & said "Don't deliver on the toilet." I figured it was time to get off seeing as she had said that & I had heard about women delivering on the potty. As soon as I stood up I got a contraction. Oh man it was bad. So bad in fact I lost all my control. I could hardly make it back to the bed & when I did I stood near it just trying to bear with the pain. I called for an epidural. I was in so much pain I was frantic. I really lost control! I got on the bed on all 4s & asked for Nancy or Arthur to counter pressure on my back., That just felt worse and it Burned so bad! I was sweating terribly & just begging Arthur to please help me. Nancy had to continually tell me to breathe. It hurt so bad I just wanted to pass out & couldn't even breathe. Finally the anesthesiologist came in and started talking to me, I told him I know all of it and just give me the epi. He hurried to get his stuff. I was in so much pain that as he prepped my back he said because I was so loosing it that he would give some instant relief. Which then he told me I should feel some relief. I relaxed a little thinking I would be ok, I knew that should help. It didn't!!! The next contraction it with a vengeance. I still felt all the pain I had before. He got the epi in and said he was going to lay me back before he put in the meds so I would be comfortable. Once laid back they needed to find the baby's heartbeat, which they found but it was low. I think in the 70's. So everyone was pushed aside. They told me to get on my left side, I said I couldn't I was so exhausted. They told me my baby needed me to. I rolled on my left side, they turned on the oxygen, put the mask on my face and my NM asked if I felt pressure or if I had to push. I didn't know, I was just too out of it to even answer. She checked me and the baby's head was right there, ready to be born. She told me to push. I pushed and thought, Oh I have to poop, no, no, I know that feeling I have to push through it. Once more push, the NM told me to push easier and out came the head. Next were the shoulders, I hate how they always feel stuck on my bones. Then the baby slid out and they held it up with legs slightly open & I saw it was a boy. They put him Right on my chest & I cried. The epi guy had run out of the room as soon as they put me on my side, he was grossed out, poor guy. So I never got the pain meds, just the tube in my back. Arthur was crying. They asked his name & I told them Douglas Ivar :)
We bonded for a long time, Arthur cut the cord and I nursed Dougie. We just loved each other up!
Later they came to take him to weigh him & clean him. The Epi guy came back, pulled out the epi tube.
Hind site is this. If I had paid closer attention to my body I would have realised I went into transition once I stood up off the toilet. I would have known that I had dilated when I was on the potty. I would have known that the intense pain I had was him moving down the birth canal. I feel I really screwed up. I'm sad that I called for the Epi & very sad I lost my cool. I'm also very upset that Dougie had to wait to be born. I'm sure that he was waiting the entire time it took me to get the epi as I was in a sitting position. He was just waiting to come out & I stressed his heart out by making him wait. I also think I would have felt the pushing pressure if I was standing or laying on my back. I wish the end had gone differently but I can't change it :(
In the end I'm very happy my baby is healthy & I love him!